To be honest, we don’t know where this guy came from or what branch of the military he belongs to—if any. He just kind of … showed up at the office and demanded we put him on a T-shirt, which seemed like a good idea at the time.
We decided it was safer to avoid asking him too many questions, but here’s what we heard through the rumor mill:
- He was born in Boston in 1921, emerging from a manhole on Boylston Street with a fully-grown beard.
- He once rode into battle on an armor-plated tricycle.
- His pot of gold isn’t at the end of a rainbow. It’s under his mattress, on which sleeps a 90-pound Dobermann.
- The local pub has a stool reserved for him, and God help any man who accidentally bumps his elbow.
- Last St. Patrick’s Day, he sent four BU frat boys to the hospital for ordering Irish Car Bombs.
- He once went on a Tinder date with Tinkerbell.
- He once throat-punched a man who called him a hobbit.
- He’s on a three-man bowling team called the Lucky Strikes with the Celtics and Notre Dame mascots.
- He is the only man in his unit allowed to have a beard.
- Ireland was not neutral during World War II—They sent a special forces unit to Berlin, consisting of one man.
- He has never been captured. Except for once by the KGB, whom he entertained with fart jokes until they let him go.
- He meets the Lucky Charms mascot for beers every other Tuesday.
Other than those things, we learned he’s never changed out of his plate carrier, his pipe never runs out of tobacco for some reason, and according to him, he’s “tall for his age.”
We also know that this hard-drinkin’, straight-shootin’ bearded operator just made his debut on the Zero Lucks Given shirt made exclusively in his honor, and available exclusively to GovX members. Order yours now.
UPDATE: Sorry, y’all. The T-shirt’s sold out.
